music

(silliest) current band names (and 5 free options)

there’s a disturbing trend in the naming of bands these days. apparently everything is permissible. in fact the more nonsensical, or irritatingly “clever”, the better. gone are the days where straightforward names were sufficient. now if you aren’t dropping vowels, making obscure references, and generally being a twit, good luck establishing your indie cred. (note: i actually really like some of the bands mentioned here, so this is mostly said with love, except where it isn’t) so, in no particular order:

#1 chvrches

img-chvrches_133544620940

blank stares, bad eye make-up, weird name, indie gold

the name of this band is pronounced churches, so why not simply go by churches which is a pretty good name instead of deciding that a ‘v’ should replace the ‘u’. well because that wouldn’t be cricket (read: indie credible) now would it. but i will honor that decision by pronouncing their name ‘cha-ver-ches’ because i’m not ‘in the know” and that is how it is spelled.

#2 ∆ (alt-j)

©Richard Johson/ NME/ IPC Media

∆ or as i like to call them ‘delta’

putting aside the fact that this band is named after a keyboard command, they go by the delta symbol, so their name should be delta not alt-j. they ask for a regressive translation of the symbol, suggesting that with their usage the symbol is pronounced alt-j because that’s how you create the symbol on a mac keyboard. but . . . it, um . . . isn’t pronounced that way, the alt-j command came long after delta had existed.

imagine this dialog for a second and how you would respond.

alexander: hey, do you want to come see my band this weekend?
you: yes! what are you guys called?
alexander: (hands you a card with just a ‘&’ symbol on it)
you: oh, cool, you’re called ‘ampersand’.
alexander: no, that’s pronounced ‘shift-7’.
you: . . .

i rest my case.

#3 mgmt

mgmt_river

it’s deep because they’re looking in different directions

to be fair this is not really their fault, as they wanted to be called the management which is a perfectly legitimate name, but someone already had it, so in order to avoid confusion and probably legal woes but keep the name they reduced it to MGMT. but the result is a whole bunch of missing letters for that 4 letter combination to be pronounced management, so your name to me is pronounced ‘mug mut’ which, let’s face it, is kind of cute.

#4 clap your hands say yeah

clap your hands say yeah neil young

when you imagine the photographer asking them to pose like this it becomes less cute

this name ushered in a whole bunch of bands with randomly strung together words often evoking odd commands, and those names just get more and more annoyingly twee as the years go on. this isn’t necessarily the worst offender of this form, but because of its consequence on hipster bands naming themselves things like ‘punch the nun and square dance’ their naming efforts are deserving of revulsion. (note: there is no band ‘punch the nun and square dance’, but now i guarantee there will be)

#5 tUnE-yArDs

merrill-garbusof-the-tune-yards456aaol-music-news-uk300511

“i’m passionate about random capitalization!”

this name is almost acceptable. nothing wrong with tuneyards as a band name, not the best, but could be much worse. but when you insist on random capitalization of every other letter, it becomes something else. hAtEfUl, that is what it becomes.

#6 the weeknd

the-weeknd

“i’m sleepy so i forget to use all my vowels”

again, case of naming a band with odd letter placements or missing vowels, so to continue the established trend, the name of your group is pronounced ‘the week nud’ which is truly awful.

#7 oOoOO (pronounced ‘oh’)

ooooo

oOoOOMG it’s oOoOO

do i really need to say anything about this? the specific capitalization, the number of letters, doesn’t it just make the skin crawl? yes or noOoOO?

#8 the good, the bad, and the queen

The+Good+the+Bad++the+Queen

everything about this photo screams authenticity

not only are you weirdly referencing a sergio leone spaghetti western for your band name, you’re also adding in a random bait and switch that is neither clever or commenting on the original title. here’s a better option to keep the sergio leone theme ‘twice upon a time in the duke of kent’. nope, that’s way worse.

#9 portugal. the man

carousel5

. . . when did this become a thing?

oh just fuck off.

#10 the child of lov (light-oxygen-voltage)

2013ChildOfLove_DE_00098270313

he’s desperate for your lov

okay, the child of love while not a great name might actually be acceptable, but when you reduce the word love to lov (still pronounced love) and insist that that stands for light-oxygen-voltage, i don’t know, i start to wonder how many times you were beaten up on the playground.

#11 when saints go machine

when-saints-go-machine

wow, this is so beautiful and not disturbing and mildly sinister at all

what does that even mean? oh, this is the trend of putting incompatible ideas together in a sentence to form an oddly juxtaposed name to sound clever. i’m going to try . . . um, ‘dogs fretting for caburetors’. wow, this really isn’t hard.

#12 the boy least likely to

boy-least-likely-to-my-little-heart

oh i get it, they’re . . . nope, thought i had it

the boy least like to what? finish a sentence?

– – –

since nothing i say is going to change this downward trend of people giving their bands terrible names, i figured i’d just join the cause and help out. so here are 5 free names for any new indie artists out there. these were generated by glancing at my bookshelf for 15 seconds and randomly smashing observed words together. enjoy!

#1. oblivious to the spine
#2. essex, the rationalists
#3. Q 4 Threedom
#4. complete stories of mao
#5. carl eating zorro

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “(silliest) current band names (and 5 free options)

  1. I wanted to consider this post a personal attack, but it’s so hilariously well-written and compellingly argued I couldn’t help but laugh along.

    • as i say i really like many of these bands, so no personal attacks intended for these musicians or their fans. thankfully questionable band names don’t always translate into goofy music, otherwise we probably wouldn’t have heard much about the Beatles.

  2. Okay, this is without a doubt one of the funniest and truest things I’ve read in a month of Sundays. Honestly, you’re a great writer. I’m ever so glad I stumbled upon your blog … because I’ve been giggling and sniggering ever since. Thanks much.

  3. A reblogué ceci sur Paris From the Inside Out and commented:
    If you’re in the mood for good (and I do mean GOOD) laugh, then this should do it. Try the blog out for good measure, because this is but one of many quite funny and quite honest posts.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s